Just Like His Father
by AngelWithAKnife
Summary: This is a story following Dean as he tries to get past the abuse he suffered at the hands of their father and all the issues that come with it. It will be multiple chapters. M rating because of later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

_"I told you to watch over your brother, boy!" John snapped as he gripped Dean's face in a tight grip._

 _"I… I… I tried…" Dean stammered out as the grip on his chin began to ache._

 _"What is wrong with you?" John demanded quickly. "Your brother could have died! Do you not realize that?"_

 _"Dad… You'll wake Sammy," Dean mumbled._

 _This seemed to enrage John because he shoved Dean into the wall, sending a sickening thud throughout the hotel room. "You think I want to do this?" John demanded. "No. I'm doing this to help you."_

 _Dean bit back a yelp as his father's fist slammed into his stomach. John easily tossed Dean to the ground and took it upon himself to drive his heavy work boot into Dean's stomach, pushing all the air from Dean's lungs._

"Hey Dean," Sam's voice began, startling Dean from the nightmare.

"What? What?" Dean asked, jolting and grabbing his little brother's hand where it rested on his right shoulder.

"We're at the motel," Sam said and offered him a gentle smile.

"Great…" Dean grumbled and ran a hand over his tired face before letting his hand rest on his stomach. John had always made sure to hit him where Sam would never see.

The familiar creak came from the door as he opened it and stepped out. Sam had already gotten their room, fumbling with the key to open the door. Dean lazily grabbed his bag from the still open trunk and slowly made his way towards the door.

As he entered the room, he noted the stale cigarette smell even though it was a non-smoking room. He slammed the door closed with his foot and let his bag hang lazily, almost brushing the ground beneath his heavy boots. He watched Sam buzzing around the room, getting all of his stuff in order, but Dean just couldn't muster up the courage. For some odd reason, this room reminded him of the one in his dream.

He shook his head at that thought because it hadn't been a dream, it was a memory. Slowly Dean walked over to his bed and threw his bag onto the bed before plopping down next to it. His elbows rested on his knees and his face was in his hands, trying to push the thoughts of that side of his dad out of his head.

"I'm going to shower," Sam said and pulled some things from his bag, heading towards the bathroom. He stopped abruptly when he saw how Dean was seated, "You ok?"

"Yeah," Dean said with a wave of his hand and running it over his face. "I'm good. Go shower."

"Ok…" Sam trailed and padded into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.

Dean was still sitting there long after the shower had started, trying to think of anything but his father. Finally he couldn't take it anymore and stood tersely, "I'm going for a drink." He doubted Sam had heard him speak, but he couldn't stay in the confines of this room anymore.

He swiped the keys to the Impala from the table and headed out the door. Once seated inside the Impala, he started his baby up and began to drive. It only took about 5 minutes of driving around until he found a small, run-down bar.

After parking he headed inside quickly and made a bee-line towards the counter. "One beer," he said and sat down on the too short stool. He was taller than most everyone in the building and he didn't mind. It would hopefully give him an advantage if he was scared, which he wanted to believe he wasn't.

He sipped lazily from the beer as his eyes scanned over the bar. His eyes locked on the pool table in the corner and saw a couple a young college kids playing. A sly smile came to his face and he stood up quickly, taking his sweet time heading over there.

"You wanna play a quick game?" Dean asked, leaning against the table with one of his hips.

"You got cash to play with?" the smaller of the kids asked, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Do I got cash?" Dean chuckled and reached into his pocket, pulling out a couple of twenty's. "80?"

"Sounds good to us," the kid said and placed his bet on the table, Dean placing his own right next to it. "Rack them up."

As Dean grabbed a stick from the wall he heard the familiar sound of Metallica filling the bar. He grinned and ran his tongue over his bottom lip, turning towards the kids. "Ready for this?" Dean asked as he got ready to break.

"Do your worst," the kid wearing too much preppy clothes spoke.

Dean cocked his head to the side and lined up the shot. Just as he was about to break it, his eyes went up slightly and saw the older man looking at him with greedy brown eyes that had some blue. The man was large, bigger than Dean himself with dark brown hair cut short. He had facial hair which added to his age. This man was probably 10 years older than himself, but Dean would probably go for him anyway. After all, the men he slept with always looked just like his father.


	2. Chapter 2

Dean ached as he slipped his clothes on as the man named Jack slept soundly in the hotel bed. He had wanted two things from the man which he had agreed to happily. The first was the kind of rough sex that left him sore and unable to walk straight. The second had been beating him. Jack had beat him first before penetrating him mercilessly.

He studied Jack, standing over him once he was completely dressed. Part of him wanted to shoot this man because he had beat him just like John had, but he had also loved him unlike John had until he gave his life for Dean.

He pulled his handgun from his waist band and held it to the back of Jack's head. "Bang…" Dean whispered and acted like he pulled the trigger even though he hadn't.

Slowly, Dean made his way out of the hotel room and started walking back to the bar to pick up his baby. The extremely cold air felt good to his drunk brain, so he took his time. His left hand went to play with his amulet as he pulled out his phone. He had a bunch of missed calls from Sam, but he had expected that. What he hadn't suspected was all of the missed calls from Cas.

Dean sighed and brought the string holding the amulet up to his chin and began to move it in a back and forth motion. What was he going to say to the both of them? Why was Cas here anyway? His finger paused over the callback button to call Cas, but he stopped himself. He locked his phone and slipped it into the right pocket of his jeans before slowing his pace even more. He needed to act somewhat sober when he saw them again, but he also needed to walk normal.

His legs were unusually spaced as he walked and his body was crying out in pain at the effort of moving. He had no one to blame but himself though because he had asked for it. More like pleaded, but he wouldn't admit that.

Dean hadn't realized he was still playing with his necklace until he had seated himself in the Impala. He dropped it back to where it lay on his chest and started up the car before pealing out of the parking lot.

His fingers drummed on the steering wheel as "Master of Puppets" blared from the radio. This had been the song playing in the bar earlier that night. He did air guitar at all the right parts, swerving slightly. Dean was so focused on the song that he hadn't noticed the cop sitting in the parking lot of a convenience store.

The blue and red lights flashed in Dean's mirrors before he heard the noise. "Damn it…" Dean groaned. He may be drunk, but he wasn't _that_ drunk. He could see the hotel from this part of the road, but he still had to pull over.

As the cop pulled up behind him, he turned down the music and grabbed his license and registration. He checked them twice to make sure they matched before cranking his window down.

"Problem officer?" Dean asked as he stopped by his window, the bright flashlight shining into his eyes.

"You were serving pretty good back there son," the policeman said. "Why don't you step out of the car for me."

"Yes, sir," Dean said and opened his door with a creak, being sure to keep himself from stumbling. He did position himself oddly in front of the officer though, which made the man eye Dean more closely. Dean's whole body posture change as his eyes landed on him. He could tell he was older and had dark hair which was buzzed short with a beard to match. Dean's eyes widened slightly as he tongue ran over his bottom lip.

"Had anything to drink tonight?" the man asked as he searched Dean's eyes.

Dean's eyes went to his tag which read Willis, "No, Officer Willis."

"Then why are you stumbling?" Willis asked, shining the light from one eye to the other.

"I just got done with some rough sex," Dean answered honestly and watched Willis's eyes widen slightly. "Jack was very thorough." Willis cleared his throat and Dean didn't need to be attracted to older men to know that he was get turned on. "Look officer…" Dean trailed. "I really am sorry for swerving. Is there any way that you could not give me a ticket?"

"Well… Um…" Willis trailed, admiring Dean's body with hungry eyes. "I do know something you could do."

"I'll do anything," Dean said, a perverse grin coming to his face.

"Follow me," Willis said and the two of them went to his cop car. Willis opened the door before instructing Dean to sit down on the seat.

Dean knew where this was going before Willis had even began to take his belt off. He chuckled softly at the need from men and helped Willis get his belt off. Once off, he helped with pulling Willis's penis out of the confinements of the underwear and pants. Willis didn't have that big of a member, so Dean would be able to do this easily since he'd had practice from all those years ago.

He took Willis's member into his mouth and pretended that it was Tyler's. Tyler was the first older man Dean had ever given a blowjob. He had been 15 at the time and wanted someone who looked like his father to appreciate him even if it meant degrading himself in the process. Tyler had been thrusting into his mouth the entire time and forced Dean to swallow even when he didn't want to.

Now he was used to it and when the time came, Dean swallowed down Willis's and stood up with a grin. "Thanks…" Dean trailed before shouldering past the officer and heading towards his car. Once inside, he started it up and took off. It took him less than a minute to pull into the motel parking lot and park.

He exited the vehicle quickly and prayed that both of them were asleep, but with the lights still shining in the room his mood darkened. Dean knocked numbly on the door which was thrown open by Sam.

"Where were you?" Sam demanded.

"I wanted a drink and wanted to see if I got lucky," Dean answered and shoved his way past his younger brother but was met by Cas.

"Are you hurt?" Cas asked, his brow furrowing.

"Bar fight," Dean answered instinctively. He watched as Cas's head cocked to the side and Dean knew that his lying radar was going off, but with the look Dean was giving him Cas decided not to push it.

Dean moved past Cas and grabbed his bag heading towards the bathroom to shower. As he started up the shower, letting the water get hot first, he began to strip off his clothes. Once completely naked, he looked at himself in the mirror.

His body was a splash of blue and purple, bruises layering bruises. It looked like he had some kind of disease covering his skin. He fought back the bile that crept up in his throat. It had been his own fault for letting the man do this to him, but he had wanted it. No, he had deserved it. Didn't he?


	3. Chapter 3

"Are you sure, Dean?" Sam asked, his silver blade hanging loosely in his hand. "We should have let Cas come."

"No," Dean said with a shake of his head as he picked the lock to the library.

"Are we even sure it would be here on this campus?" Sam asked and spread his arms out. "There are a lot of other college campuses that the werewolf could be on."

"Do you doubt my ability, little brother?" Dean asked and stood up, opening the door to the library.

"Why would it even hide in the library?" Sam asked crossing his arms over his chest, refusing to go in.

"I was in here earlier today," Dean said sighing. "There are scratches in one of the closets on the second floor. If that doesn't scream werewolf, I don't know what does." He then walked inside quickly and Sam followed hot on his heels.

Dean drew out his own silver blade and tested the weight of it in his hand as they made their way up the stairs. Sam had pulled out a flashlight, lighting there way as they came to the second floor.

"What closet was it?" Sam asked, cascading the white light across the shelves of books.

Dean chuckled slightly as he called out, "Here bitch!"

"Dean!" Sam snapped and grabbed his arm in a tight grip. "Don't we want the element of surprise?"

"Who cares?" Dean asked and pulled his arm from Sam's grip and began to make his way around the second floor. He crept his way around until he heard Sam grunt. "Sam!" Dean called out and turned to go back, but Sam was thrown into Dean.

The two of them fell in a heap on the floor as the growl came from the monster. Dean was the first one up and saw that the monster was a female, an obviously pregnant female. This was the part of his job that Dean hated the most. He hated having to kill the monsters that had baby monster inside of them that had yet to do something bad.

The female growled low at Dean, baring her sharp teeth. He knew she was going to protect her young till the end, so he prepared himself for a fight.

"Come on," Dean said and bent his legs slightly.

The female growled and charged Dean. Dean stepped out of the way, slashing the blade across her back. She cried out before turning and clawing his chest. Dean grunted as thick bubbles of blood began to come from three scratches on his chest. He stumbled back away from her next swipe that was coming for his neck.

Suddenly she was sent to the side when Sam tackled her. The two of the rolled on the floor, but she had easily mounted him, ready to slice across his neck. Dean pulled out his gun and shot her in the side, wounding the powerful female.

Her anger was quickly directed at Dean, giving Sam enough time to plunge his knife into her heart. She grabbed at it, taking in a sharp breath before her eyes rolled back. Sam shoved the limp body off and looked to Dean with a goofy grin on his face that quickly turned to a look of pure horror.

"Her mates behind me, isn't he?" Dean asked, his face turning into a grimace.

A sharp outtake breath on the back of Dean's neck answered his own questioned and he slowly turned around to face the large werewolf. He was inches taller than Dean and probably taller than Sam. He growled before bringing his claws back and swiping them towards Dean, who quickly jumped back despite the blood still coming from his first wound.

"Dean!" Sam shouted and tossed his older brother his blade.

Dean caught it easily, stepping back away from the angry male until he knew he had the upper hand. "Come get me," Dean said and flipped the blade around in his hand.

The male was too entranced with how the blade moved around in Dean's hand to pay any attention to Sam coming up behind him. Sam grabbed the massive man with a vice-like grip and Dean lunged forward. The werewolf twisted himself so the blade only got his stomach. He grunted before pulling his arms from Sam's grip and punching Dean in the face. He turned quickly and shoved Sam back into a huge bookcase.

The bookcase wobbled as Sam fell to the floor. Dean saw the bookcase falling and moved quickly, catching it. Books cascaded down onto the two of them, creating new bruises with each hit. His muscles flexed trying to hold up the heavy bookcase.

"Move, Sammy!" Dean snapped as his arms began to ache.

Sam had just started to move when the werewolf tackled Dean to the side. Dean watched in horror as the huge bookcase toppled over with his little brother lying underneath it.


	4. Chapter 4

"Look Cas, I'm good," Sam said as he used his crutches to hobble himself down the steps of the bunker. "I want to heal on my own this time. I want to remind myself that I'm still human."

Dean sighed as he plopped down in one of the seats in the Men of Letters library. Thankfully the bookcase had only fallen on one of his legs, breaking it. Unfortunately, Sam was being a stubborn ass and wouldn't let Cas heal him.

"Call out if you need anything," Cas said to Sam as he hobbled away towards his room.

Dean sat in the comfy chair for a second before pushing himself up. "Cas…" he trailed and moved to stand directly in front of his best friend. "I need you to hit me."

"Dean?" Cas questioned, his voice dropping lower as he spoke his name.

"No, Cas," Dean began. "I feel fine, but I let Sam get hurt. I have to learn not to do that. You need to hit me, preferably where Sam won't see."

"No, Dean," Cas said with a shake of his head, stepping back. "Why would you ask me to do something like that?"

"I thought I could count on you," Dean said, advancing towards his friend again.

"You can, but not in that way," Cas said and stepped cautiously down the steps, away from Dean.

"Come on, Cas," Dean was practically pleading. "I need to be punished."

"Not by my hand, Dean," Cas said with a shake of his head. "I'm not your father."

This brought Dean up short. Cas must have seen what his father had done to him and what Dean then did to himself. Did Cas think he was gay? Did he think he was bi? Hell, Dean didn't even know what he was, but right now he needed to be beat. He deserved to be beat.

Dean studied Cas for a minute before grumbling and shoving past him towards his own room. He knew now that Cas would not let him out of the bunker because he knew Cas would stop him before he found anyone to beat him up. He opened the door to his room quickly and slammed it shut hard, making the door rattle on its hinges.

He ripped his jacket off before flopping down on his bed. He roughly pulled his phone from his pocket and plugged it into his headphones that were sitting on the nightstand next to him. Dean scrolled through the songs quickly before settling on "Whole Lotta love". He turned the music up loud, trying to block out all the thoughts of his dad that came rolling back into his mind like waves on the beach.

He could feel himself getting frustrated and he knew one way to handle that. Dean quickly unzipped and unbuttoned his pants, kicking them off of himself. He thought for a second before taking the headphones off long enough to remove his flannel and t-shirt. As the headphones settled back into place, he shimmied out of his underwear and grabbed his member which was already standing at attention.

Dean gripped his painfully hard erection and slowly began to stroke it. He knew that he couldn't go too fast or none of his stress would be released. His hand was moving up and down before pinching the end, pulling at it slightly. He sighed at the pleasant sensation that was spreading all over his body. He caressed his meatus with his rough, calloused hands sending bouts of pleasure down to his toes.

As the pressure began to build up, he could feel his hand working up and down his member faster and faster. Stroking harder, rougher than before until finally he felt the sweet release. His cum went straight into his hand even covering himself and the sheets in the thick white fluid. Dean groaned as he came and shuddered from the pleasure overwhelming his body. He laid there, not moving for what felt like hours until he regained his composure.

He began to slow his breathing as his eyes began to open. His eyes started on the ceiling until moving downwards towards the door where Cas stood like a statue. Dean jumped up out his bed, not bothering to cover himself as he shouted, "Cas! Ever heard of knocking?"

"I have heard of it, Dean," Cas began, his eyes landing directly on Dean's member. "I just did not think it was relevant after our conversation."

"It's always relevant," Dean growled out before pointing towards the door. "Get out." Cas nodded his head like a kicked puppy and began to turn until Dean noted the abnormal bulge in his pants. "Wait…" Dean began and Cas turned back around to face him. As Dean studied him, he noted the shorter dark hair and facial hair. Cas's old host had to have been at least 10 years older than himself and he knew right then what he wanted from Cas. "Come here," Dean ordered and waved Cas forward.

"What is it?" Cas asked as he stepped closer and closer to Dean.

Dean's breathing picked up as his eyes trailed down the length of Cas's body. He chewed on his lip before speaking, "Instead of beating me, I know something else you can do."

"What?" Cas asked, his innocent face lighting up.

A sly grin came to Dean's face as he stepped up closer to Cas and grabbed his blue tie. "This," Dean spoke before planting a firm kiss to Cas's lips. Dean felt Cas kissing him back timidly at first before Cas forced his tongue inside of Dean's mouth, taking what he wanted.

Cas turned Dean around and bent him over the bed quickly as he undid his belt. Dean couldn't help but feel excitement since Cas was probably not going to use lube and he knew it would be more painful that way. Dean had started to become impatient until Cas had finally pulled down his pants and underwear, shoving himself inside of Dean.

Dean groaned at the pain that he felt at the stretch of his asshole so quickly. His hand quickly went to his own erection, stroking himself with the rhythm that Cas was pulling out and going in with. Dean's body was rocketing forward with each of Cas's powerful thrusts. When Cas came, it hurt Dean with the amount of power behind it.

Dean practically screamed out in pain at the sensation and the climax sound Cas made was unlike any other he'd ever heard. He came suddenly with just the sound Cas made before falling limp onto the bed. He was exhausted all of a sudden even though not much work had been done by the two of them. Why had he let an angel have his way with him? He should have known it was going to hurt.

As Dean laid there not moving, he felt Cas climb in bed next to him and settle down into his memory foam mattress.

"Good night, Dean," Cas said as his head hit the pillow.

"Good…" Dean trailed before sleep enveloped him.

 _"It was an accident, dad," Dean pleaded with his father as he held the shotgun at an awkward angle._

 _"You fuck up all the time!" John snapped and advanced on Dean quickly. Dean backed up just as fast until his back hit a wall. John grabbed the shotgun from his hand and tossed it aside. "How are you supposed to take care of Sam when you can't even shoot that thing?"_

 _"It… It looked like a little girl…" Dean trailed._

 _"Well that 'little girl'," John began, exaggerating on those two words. "Has killed five people already and is now going to kill another because of your mistake."_

 _"I'm… I'm sorry, dad," Dean mumbled, fighting back the tears that wanted so desperately to come forward._

 _"Sorry is all I ever hear from you!" John snapped and thrust his fist forward into Dean's stomach. "Why can't you do anything right? Why can't you be more like Sam?" His father took his fist back, winding up before coming forward again._

Dean woke up gasping, pulling his knife from underneath his pillow and jumping out of bed. His eyes survived the room quickly and found it empty besides Cas tucked in bed. Dean sighed heavily and gingerly placed the blade back underneath his pillow. His eyes landed on where Cas slept and he took in this beautiful man lying in his bed.

"Beautiful?" Dean asked himself out loud, but as he studied the evenness of Cas's breathing he knew right then that Cas was indeed beautiful. The only problem was that Dean was all wrong for Cas and that was why he couldn't let anything like that happen again.


	5. Chapter 5

"Good morning, Dean," Cas said, wrapping his strong arms around Dean's middle.

Dean jumped slightly where he was pouring himself coffee. He quickly pulled himself from Cas's grip and spun around to face him, "What the hell?"

"What?" Cas asked innocently. "I thought that was what couples did. Am I doing it wrong?"

"Look, Cas…" Dean sighed. "We aren't a couple. That was just a fling. It meant nothing to me."

Cas's chipper face dropped and he studied Dean closely, "What…?"

"I don't like you that way Cas, but when a dude's desperate…" Dean trailed with a shrug. "Jacking off just wasn't doing it for me."

Cas's sad face turned to anger quickly, "Then what about Tyler? Lionel? Kyle? What about all those other men, Dean?"

"You don't know what you're talking about," Dean growled and wrapped his arms around his middle instinctively.

"I don't?" Cas demanded. "I've been watching you, Dean! For years! I know that you lost your virginity to a man the first time, but lie and say it was with another girl!"

Dean shook his head angrily, "You're delusional Cas! You just want someone to love you, so you automatically come crying to anybody that will give you the time of day!"

"No, Dean!" Cas snapped, his voice dropping. "That's what you do!" Cas turned quickly, walking from the kitchen.

As Dean watched Cas walk away, his right hand grabbed his stomach quickly. He pressed against the pain and regret filling him up at what he'd done to Cas. He had been lying because he was in fact in love with Cas.

Sam's voice broke Dean from his thoughts. "Is that wall interesting?" Sam asked as he hobbled his way into the kitchen.

Dean had sat down at the table after Cas had left and hadn't moved, nursing the same cup of coffee. Dean tried to keep his voice normal as he spoke, "It's the most interesting wall I've seen in my life."

"Do I need to give you two some time alone?" Sam asked, stopping before getting to the table.

"No," Dean said quickly with a shake of his head. "I would like someone to talk to."

"Where's Cas?" Sam asked as he sat down in the seat across from him.

"He left," Dean said with a shrug. "Now why again won't you just let him heal you?"

"We've been over this…" Sam sighed.

"And it still doesn't make any sense to me," Dean said as he ran a hand through his hair, spiking it up slightly.

"You wouldn't understand," Sam said before pushing himself up.

"You hungry?" Dean asked, standing quickly. "I can make you something. We do have a real kitchen after all."

"I got it, Dean," Sam said, but Dean pushed him back into his seat.

"I got this, cripple," Dean mocked. "I'll make you something good." Dean fluttered around the kitchen grabbing various items because cooking was a good way to distract himself from Cas.

When Dean finished, he placed the plate down in front of Sam. It was two pieces of toast with the middle cut out and an egg filling it. He then placed a mug of coffee down and a glass of orange juice.

"Again Dean," Sam began. "Where did you learn how to make stuff like this?"

"You're welcome," Dean said with a nod before washing his hands. "Since you're a cripple, I'm going to go out and hunt down the male werewolf."

"What?" Sam asked as he shoved a bite into his mouth.

"Look, before he goes off and mates with another female," Dean began and dried his hands. "I'm going to go looking for him and finish him."

"You shouldn't go alone though," Sam said and tried to push himself up.

"And you can't exactly protect me," Dean said and placed a firm hand on Sam's shoulder, pushing him down. "You'll only slow me down."

"Then take Cas," Sam suggested. "Call him and he'll meet you."

"I'll think about it," Dean said with a nod of his head and turned, leaving the room.

He headed down the hallway to his room and grabbed his go bag of clothes before heading for the garage. If he knew animals, then he knew that they were always creatures of habit. He knew that the werewolf would probably go back to the same school and maybe even the same library.


	6. Chapter 6

Dean was in the hotel shower washing off the blood residue from the werewolf. He probably didn't have to be as violent and bloody with him as he was, but it was too late now. The hot water was already washing the hunt from his body but never his mind. It was unfortunate that he would remember the amount of blood coming from the creature and not the person that they had been.

He felt so good underneath the hot water, steam coming up around him. The bruises were still prominent on his body and pain shot through him when his hand went over them a little gruffer than he had intended.

His huge hands ran through his hair, spiking it up before the water pushed it back down. As he shut off the shower, a shiver passed over his body and goosebumps came to his flesh. He ripped the curtain back and grabbed his towel, wrapping it around himself quickly. Dean wiped the fogged mirror, looking at himself with disgust. He aggressively grabbed his toothbrush, squeezing toothpaste onto it and brushing his teeth.

As he brushed them, his mind wandered to the dark places. The places where there was hitting and blood. His father had made him bleed using knives, never harming his face unlike the others. He quickly rinsed his mouth and headed out of the bathroom.

"I said to call Cas," Sam said, causing Dean to jump. Sam was sitting on the bed in the middle of the room, his crutches leaning next to him.

"Well I didn't think I needed the help," Dean said with a shrug.

"Or you two are fighting…" Sam trailed and raised his eyebrows as he looked up at his older brother.

"What?" Dean asked skeptically. "What would we be fighting about?"

"What you had said this morning," Sam said and crossed his arms over his chest.

Dean gulped slightly at that, "I don't know what you're talking about…"

"You have a problem, Dean," Sam said. "You think I've never noticed? Dean…"

"Look, Sammy," Dean began with a shake of his head.

"You think I haven't noticed?" Sam asked. "Dean, I've wanted to be you since I was a child. I knew that dad used to hit you. I know that he did it when he thought I was sleeping."

"You have no idea…" Dean began advancing on Sam.

"Dean…" Sam started. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry because dad only hit you when I did something wrong. I was the problem, but dad always blamed you."

"I was the problem, Sammy," Dean began with a shake of his head. "I was supposed to protect you. I protected you from the things that went bump in the night and I protected you from his wrathful hands. That was my job and I did it perfectly. He never touched you."

"Dean…" Sam sighed and fumbled his way into a standing position. "It wasn't your fault. Just like all of the men you've slept with."

"How did you…?" Dean gasped.

"Like I said, Dean," Sam began. "I've wanted to be you. I followed you sometimes when you went out late. I saw you with some of the guys and I've seen the way you look at Cas."

"You don't know what you see!" Dean snapped.

"I'm not trying to hurt you," Sam pleaded. "I just want you to know that you're fine being who you are. I will love you no matter what. You deserve to be happy Dean and Cas makes you happy." Dean shook his head angrily causing Sam to sigh and pull out his phone. As Sam hobbled past Dean, he shoved his phone into his hand, "At least call him."

Dean lowered his head as Sam shut the door to the bathroom. He unlocked the phone and scrolled down to Cas's number as the shower started. For some reason, he couldn't hit the dial button and decided to get himself dressed.

Once garbed in jeans, boots, a thermal, and flannel, he pulled out Sam's phone again and let his thumb hover over the dial button. Just as he was about to call Cas, there was a knock at the door. Dean shook his head and dropped the phone onto the bed, rising to answer the door. He looked through the peep-hole and saw a beautiful woman standing on the other side.

A sly grin came to his face as he opened it, "Can I help you?"

"Oh," the woman gasped and placed a hand over her mouth. "I might have the wrong room, what's your name?"

"Dean," he saw and let his eyes look her over once.

"I guess I do have the right room," the girl said as her eyes turned black.

Dean's eyes widened before he was thrown back into the far wall, colliding next to the bathroom door. He reacted quickly and reached for the phone, his fingers barely brushing the screen. The girl laughed wickedly as he hit the wall again.

"What's wrong?" the girl asked. "Afraid?"

"Hell no," Dean growled and scanned the room for his bag, but came up empty. For once in his life, he didn't have any weapons on him. The only thing he had was salt. Thinking quickly, he knew exactly what to do. Dean pulled out the salt and spread it in front of the bathroom door protecting Sam from the demon.

"Really?" the demon scoffed. "Such like a Winchester."

"Bring it on bitch," Dean said, beginning to stand, but the demon was not here to mess around.

She pulled out a knife quicker than Dean could react and stabbed him right in the chest. He sucked in a breath of shock and grabbed at the knife sticking out of him. For some reason, it didn't really hurt.

"Sorry," the demon fake apologized. "But I'm not here to play around. See you downstairs." She then turned quickly and sashayed out the room with a flick of her hair.

Dean sighed as he pulled the knife out, relieving some of the pressure in his chest. He coughed slightly as more blood flowed from him. He crawled towards the bed, trying to stay awake as his vision began to blacken. He grabbed the phone and saw that it had dialed Cas.

"Sam? Sam?" Cas was asking frantically.

Dean opened his mouth to speak but just air came out. He fumbled to say something, still finding himself unable to do so. The phone slipped from his hand as it went limp and he flopped down onto the floor. He fought to breath as the shower stopped, but he still didn't feel any pain. I guess that in reality, Dean was just like his father. He sacrificed himself for the ones he loved.


	7. Chapter 7

Darkness. Complete darkness. Dean didn't know if he was floating or standing or something in between, but he was in a dark place. Suddenly, his feet hit the ground and he furrowed his brow. His boots crunched the ground as he wiggled them against it. Slowly, he reached down and felt the damp ground just as water began to come down. Water poured from the blackness above him as he still wasn't able to place where he was.

It was so dark that he couldn't even see his hand in front of his face as he waved it about. As soon as he took a single step forward, lightning struck the ground behind him. It lit up the world around him and he knew that he was in the woods somewhere. He tried to think back to why he would be in the woods before realizing that he was dead. If he was truly dead then where was he? Heaven? Hell? He couldn't imagine ever getting into Heaven, so Hell must be where he is.

He took in a deep breath and tasted the sour air. It burned his lungs, making him cough. He covered his mouth as his eyes began to water but the more he fought not to breath in the poisonous air, the more it seemed to burn his lungs. Dean began to stumble forward as he tried to keep the air from his lungs, but it was to no avail.

Another lightning strike hit the ground just behind him so close that he could feel the heat as it seared through his jacket. Panicked by the bolt, he began to jog. The longer he jogged, the more air he sucked in and the more it began to sicken him. Just as he was about to give up and let the next strike hit him, he saw a small light. It illuminated the edge of a door and he sprinted for it, not caring about anything else but finding shelter there.

He was just about the mount the porch to the small cabin when another bolt came down. This one was as close as the last and since his jacket and shirt were burned off in some areas, his skin took the brunt of the hit. He hit his knees hard as he cried out. His skin was on fire and it was unlike any pain he'd ever felt before. Dean coughed as he crawled his way up the porch and tried for the handle on the door.

The door open easily and Dean collapsed to the floor breathing hard until he got the strength to pull himself inside the cabin. He used his foot to close the door and laid on his stomach to keep cold air on his back. He could feel blood sliding down his sides, towards his stomach, but he couldn't bring himself to care as he tried to think about anything other than the pain.

"Who's there?" a female voice came and Dean knew the voice, but he couldn't place it.

"Hello?" Dean asked and tried to push himself up but failed. "Who are you?"

"Dean?" another voice came that sounded more male than female.

He placed that voice easily, "Ben? Lisa?"

"Dean!" Lisa cried from somewhere unknown to him in the house.

"Lisa…" Dean sighed. "Where are you?"

"I don't know…" Lisa breathed. "We were… Ben and I were… We were getting in the car and… I forget…"

As Dean pushed himself into a sitting position, he fought the tears that wanted to come, "You remember me… God, Lisa, I'm so sorry."

"What are you talking about, Dean?" Lisa asked from the darkness.

"You're dead…" Dean breathed as tears began to trickle down his cheeks. "You're in hell because of me… I'm so sorry. Ben and you don't deserve this."

"Dean, what did you do?" Lisa demanded.

"It's your fault!" Ben yelled. "We're in hell because of you! That's who that man was talking about, mom! He was talking about Dean!"

Dean's head perked up and he studied the blackness around him, "Who? What man, Ben?"

"The man!" Ben yelled.

"Do you know what he looked like?" Dean asked and struggled to stand.

"He's right behind you," Ben spat out at him.

Dean was just about to turn around when something hard hit him in the back of the head. He was sent to the ground, his vision going blurry as a light was flicked on. He looked up and focused his eyes on the corners of the room. He gulped down a scream as his eyes went from Lisa to Ben. Both of them were in cages in the far corners of room with their eyes sewed shut. Blood was coming from almost every orifice on their faces and there were various markings carve into their skin. Dean recognized the markings as being demonic and he knew that they were lost to him.

He felt rage build up inside of him as he turned himself over to face their attacker. As he was face to face with the man, his eyes widened. This man didn't just look like his father, he was his father.

"Dad?" Dean asked, horror etching his voice.

"Hello there, son," John spit out and brought the butt of the gun back before making it collide with Dean's head. His vision blurred from a second before he scrambled back away from his father.

"What are you doing, dad?" Dean screeched as John approached him again.

"I'm giving you what you deserve," John spat. "You're a disease and so is everyone you come into contact with."

"I'm not a disease!" Dean defended as John's work boot came down abnormally hard on his leg, snapping it easily. Dean cried out, but John just laughed.

"You don't want to scare Lisa, do you?" John cackled as he brought his machete from the belt around his waist.

"Dean!" Lisa cried.

"Why are you doing this?" Dean demanded and watched the blade swing back before pausing.

"Because you deserve this," John said with a wicked grin.

"Ben and Lisa don't though," Dean defended and eyed the blade. "Dad, let them go. Please." Dean watched as his father's eyes began to clear, the fog that had been inside of them clearing. John cocked his head to the side and was just about to speak before his whole demeanor changed.

"Stupid boy!" John yelled. "Don't you know I like the disease?" He then swiped the blade down towards Dean. It embedded itself into Dean's side with a sickening thud. As his father pulled it back, blood squirted from the wound. Dean swore he'd lost enough blood to die by now, but if he remembered hell then he knew that he would never die here. "Once I got you locked up in your own cage, I'll go upstairs and get that pretty little angel of yours. I'm sure I'll make him scream.

As the blade collided with him a second time, a burning feeling then began to erupt in his chest, starting in the center and fanning outward.


	8. Chapter 8

"CAS!" Dean yelled and sat straight up.

"You're ok, Dean," Cas's deep voice came from beside him. Dean's eyes scanned the area around him and found that he was still in the hotel. He was sitting in the middle of the floor with Cas on his right and Sam on his left. Sam was gently laying a hand on his arm while Cas's hand was firmly placed on his chest.

Dean tried to fight back the tears, but they came from his eyes anyway. "Lisa… Ben…" Dean sighed and placed his head in his hands. "This is all my fault."

"What are you talking about?" Cas asked with a furrowed brow.

"They're in hell because of me," Dean snapped.

"No, they aren't," Cas assured with a shake of his head.

"What are you talking about? Dean demanded. "I was there. I was in Hell with them."

"No you weren't," Cas said. "You were still in your mind. You were transitioning to Hell, but you weren't there. It was your own mind giving you your own personal Hell."

"You mean, Lisa and Ben aren't dead?" Dean asked and Cas shook his head. "Thank goodness…" As the three of them sat there, closer than they had been in a long time, Dean became uncomfortable. He stood up quickly and headed for the beers sitting on the table. He popped the top off of it and took a swig, feeling the burning desire down inside him slowly fading.

"Are you ok, Dean?" Sam asked, concern etching his voice as he stood with grace.

Dean noted that Sam's cast was off and that he was completely healed, "You made the right choice little brother." Sam made a face at him while Dean merely raised his bottle in his direction.

"Do you think this is a joke?" Sam demanded. "You almost died. If Cas hadn't come as fast as he did…"

"Well he did and I'm alive," Dean snapped. "Super. Now how about instead of having some weird chick flick moment, we do our damn job and look for a case. Hunters are never not hunters until their deaths."

"Dean," Cas said, his voice dropping.

"I'm not going to sit here so you two can pick my brain about my own personal Hell, ok?" Dean snapped and took a long pull from his beer. "Let's just get over it and get back to work."

Sam breathed a heavy sigh and shook his head, "You killed that male werewolf and there's been nothing on the scanner. There are no cases that we need to worry about."

"Shit…" Dean grumbled and rolled his shoulders back.

"Do you want to talk about it now?" Cas asked and gave Dean a stern look.

"No," Dean said simply and moved towards his bag, shoving his stuff into it. "Let's head back to the bunker. I'm tired of staring at motel room walls."

Sam and Cas then realized that Dean was done with the subject and knew that if they pushed him anymore, he'd shut down entirely. Sam helped grab various things that were Dean's before the three of them got into the Impala and headed back to the bunker, not saying a word.

Dean drummed his thumbs on the stirring wheel before reaching for the radio and flicking it on. "Black Sabbath" by Black Sabbath was on and Dean began to hum with the song just to give himself something to do. He didn't want to admit to the two of them that it had been his dad to cause the hellish nightmare. His father was always his nightmares and this time, it had brought in three things that he loved.

When they got back to their new home, Dean made a bee-line for the kitchen. He grabbed the strongest alcohol they had, knowing that he would get drunk very quickly when he just had a little. He needed to forget what had happened in his head. He had to remember that it was just in his head.

As he headed for his room, he heard Cas's door shut to his room and Sam's as well. He felt like screaming because of Sam, but it was mostly Cas making him feel that way. He cursed the beautiful man in his head and just wanted to forget about it. It had been much easier loving Lisa than it was admitting how much Cas meant to him.

Slowly, those thoughts moved to the back of his mind with each drink from the strong alcohol. Pretty soon, he would be a mess on the floor. Either he would end up killing himself or he would pass out, Dean knew which one he would prefer but it was also the one Sam and Cas didn't like.

Just as he was hitting the lowest point of the alcohol, a loud knock came from his door. Maybe it wasn't as loud as it seemed, but to Dean's drunk brain it sounded like he was in the middle of a car crash.

"Come in," Dean mumbled from where he laid on his bed.

Sam stepped into his room once the door was all the way open, "You want to talk about it?"

"Not really," Dean slurred with an over-exaggerated shake of his head.

"You need to talk about, Dean," Sam scolded and crossed his arms over his chest.

Dean sucked in a quick breath as he studied his little brother. That was such a John trait. He thought Sam wore it well. He liked it. He wanted it. Before Dean could understand what he was doing, he stood and crossed the room quickly pressing his lips to Sam's. Sam pulled back quickly and gave Dean an appalled look.

Dean shrugged meekly, "Sorry. Couldn't help myself. You look like dad." If Dean could have hit himself for saying that, he would of but at this moment he didn't care very much.

"Look, Dean," Sam breathed. "I know what you want. You can't help yourself and for that reason, I'll give into you. And tomorrow morning, when you regret this, I'll support you for your decisions."

"Sounds kinky…" Dean trailed, running his tongue over her teeth. "Is it kinky?"

"Get on your knees and found out," Sam said and began to undo his belt.


	9. Chapter 9

_"You completely missed," John sighed from behind Dean as he slowly lowered the gun._

 _"I'll get it," Dean started. "Just give me another chance."_

 _"In the field, you won't get another chance," John said and walked up close to Dean._

 _Dean could feel the rage coming off of his father, "I'm learning so I can protect Sammy. I will learn."_

 _"But this time," John began. "Sam is dead because of you."_

 _"What if I tell Sam to get out of here and I fight the monster?" Dean asked, his eyes scanning the ground quickly._

 _John chewed on this idea for a minute before he spun Dean around quickly, "Alright. You're you and I'm the monster. Fight me."_

 _"What?" Dean asked shocked, taking a couple steps back._

 _"What?" John asked. "Not all monsters are going to be around your size. Some bigger and some smaller. This time, you're fighting one bigger. And since I don't have claws, I'll just use a knife."_

 _Dean watched in horror as his father pulled his knife from his belt. He held the gun at an awkward angle before pointing it at his father, who merely kicked the gun from his hands. Dean stepped back as John swiped the knife at his middle. "Dad! This doesn't prove anything! All it proves is that you're a jackass who likes to kick the crap out of his son!"_

 _His father froze for a second, staring at Dean with rage in his eyes, "What did you say?"_

 _"You heard me!" Dean snapped. "I don't deserve this! I'm learning and that shot was better than my last mine! You just like to have a reason to take out all your anger on me! And guess what? Go ahead because THAT'S protecting Sammy! I'M protecting him!"_

Dean woke up breathing hard and sweating. He remembered that time. Dean had been 12 when he had told that to his dad and his dad hadn't hit him since, just treated Sam even more like a god. That had stung because even though he beat the crap out of him, at least his father acted like he existed.

As his breathing settled, he felt a mass lying in the bed next to him. He turned over and was met by Sam's face, slack with sleep. His mouth was parted slightly, breathing in and out peacefully. As Dean watched him, last night came rushing back to him. The kissing, the touching, the sex. All of it came rushing back to him and he now realized how wrong it was. Dean was truly messed up if he had just had sex with his brother because he acted like their father.

Dean stood and began dressing quickly, wanting to be fully clothed right now. As he slipped his gray thermal shirt on, pushing up the sleeves, he heard Sam clear his throat. Dean turned quickly and saw Sam sitting up staring at him.

"You know what you want to do now?" Sam asked with raised eyebrows.

"That was a mistake," Dean said pointing at him. "There's something wrong with me. I… I need help."

"Well Cas and I are here for you," Sam said, a small smile coming to his face. "You know we'll always have your back."

Dean chewed on this thought for a minute before finally nodding, "I know that now."

"So…" Sam trailed. "What's your choice?"

Dean stood there thinking for a minute before quickly exiting his room and taking turns as they came. He knew exactly where he was going and he was pretty sure Sam knew too. When he came to the door, he knocked on it hurriedly.

"Yes?" Cas asked as he pulled the door open. He was wearing some of Dean's clothes because all he had was the suit and that was too formal for the bunker.

"Cas…" Dean trailed, but Cas interrupted him.

"I know, ok?" Cas began. "It meant nothing to you. I need to get over it. I understand now. You don't have to keep bringing it up."

Cas was just about to close the door when Dean placed a hand on it, keeping it open. He quickly grabbed Cas's arm, "It's you. It's you that I want. It's you that I need. I need you Cas. I… I love you Cas."


	10. Chapter 10

**Five years later…**

Cas's arms wrapped around Dean's middle protectively as he nuzzled his face into his neck. Dean looked down and saw Cas's ring that matched his own glinting in the sunlight that was shining through the window. Cas's warm body was making Dean sweat, but he didn't care and let himself fall back into his lovers strong arms.

As he grinded his butt into Cas, Cas spoke, "Not now. There are kids here."

"Sam's never going to grow out of that…" Dean hummed as Cas became hard.

"That's not what I meant and you know it," Cas chastised before placing a kiss on Dean's neck and slowly pulled away.

Dean groaned at the loss of contact and watched Cas make his way outside. Dean looked out the window in front of the sink where he was doing dishes. Cas was walking over towards where Sam was playing with his son DJ, and Kitty, Sam's wife, was holding their daughter MJ. Dean couldn't help but smile at the sight before him.

He went back to doing the dishes in his perfect, picket fence house, not worrying about the monsters that were probably around because he knew that his family and Sam's were safe as long as they were with the two of them. He began to hum "Hey Jude" as he was just finishing the dishes.

"Man…" Sam breathed as he grabbed a water from the fridge, startling Dean. "DJ really takes it out of me."

"That's what you get for having kids Sammy," Dean laughed and looked to see DJ running circles around Kitty. "Remind me again why he's DJ, I understand MJ after mom and Jess, but…"

"Dean John is a good name," Sam defended. "After the two guys who taught me everything I know."

"Yeah…" Dean breathed as he began to dry the dishes and put them away.

"Dude," Sam began and Dean looked up at him. "We did good."

"What do you mean we?" Dean asked. "You're the one with two kids."

"Yeah…" Sam trailed. "About that…"

Dean looked at Sam with wide eyes, "No way! Congratulations man!" He promptly set the dish down that he was drying so he could embrace his little brother.

"Yeah…" Sam mumbled with a grin. "Kitty was not expecting it, but I guess it's just meant to be, right?"

"This is cause for celebration," Dean exclaimed and reached into the fridge grabbing out two beers.

As Sam took one of the bottles, he studied it, "Why don't you get higher end beer? Cas and you both make a decent amount of money."

"Memories, Sammy," Dean said and studied the bottle. The two of them used to drink this kind of beer when they were on the road doing what they did best. Now? Sam was a lawyer and Kitty was a stay-at-home mom. Dean was a fireman while Cas worked for social services. They were all doing what they loved to do and had wanted to do for a long time.

"You made the right choice," Sam said and leaned on the counter next to his big brother. That phrase sounded oddly familiar to himself, but Dean couldn't quite place it. "And you're nothing like dad," Sam added.

Dean couldn't seem to help himself as he spoke, "That is the last chick-flick moment I'm allowing."

Sam laughed his real laugh and stomped his foot on the ground causing Dean to laugh with him. The two of them clanked their bottles together and took sips from them. "And you had said we couldn't stop being hunters," Sam said and watched Kitty play with DJ now that she was free of MJ.

Dean gazed at Cas where he was cradling MJ in his arms and he thought that maybe the two of them could adopt a child of their own. Maybe one day when they both got over the fact that Dean would die while Cas would continue to live. At least Cas could visit him in Heaven, so it didn't make either of them that sad. A huge grin split Dean's face as he spoke, "I didn't think not hunting could feel so good. I guess we aren't just like our father."


End file.
